It's All About Me
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
*Sigh*
I Love H.I.M.
Why does that make me sad. To the point of tears. And NO i'm not pregnant.
I enjoy him too much. Way too much.
My car got raped. Yes I said Raped. They gutted out the dash of it, ripped it out and took off with it...popped my trunk and stole all its contents. Leaving it undrivable, open and cut wires everydamnwheres. The funniest part is that the CD player deck they went to all that trouble to rip off, well, its been broken for over a week. Ha ha ha.
All day I was pissed, dealing with cops, insurance jackers who wont give me a rental car while my whip gets fixed...because their agent fucked up my type of insurance, but they will gladly help me correct that, however it wont affect this claim. Fuckers.
All this money I have to pay for the deductible, the rental, and for a new amp/sub since mine wasnt able to be claimed due to more sneaky insurance loopholes.
And BD behind on two months of child support.
Like a knight in shining armor, my AJ came through that night. I was already smoked up and deep into Scar.face. Feeling like I had lost my best friend.
He jumps in the crib and kisses me crazy, talking about how his poor baby is....me! LoL..wow.
Been keeping my spirits up, helping me plan and strategize, taking me for a massage to get my neck fixed (ALL my stress is there) then out to eat at my fave spot. A bunch of food and some good ass Bellini's later...I stare at him as I feed him a fajita by hand...yes yes y'all he be eating out my hand...oooh. nothing could have made me happier. He and I clown and joke, talk, dream, and get along like soulmates.
He drives me home since I am his, he been my ride all day. Comes in the house. As I handle something, I realize he is gone.
I walk into my bedroom, the lights low, he is topless and surfing the net on my laptop. My heart stops. He is so beautiful. He looks up at me, smiles, and with THOSE eyes...draws me into a hug, pulling me under the sheets. Holds me close and my world is all right.
He is at ball. Playing with his boys. He left about an hour ago. I know I love this man. It is killing me.
Why does it hurt. Why do I painfully watch Mary J 'Be With You' and a tear threatens to roll out.
Because we haven't moved past being.....'friends'...
..There's the phone...He's coming back.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Un-Break My Heart...
My four year old, the owner of my heart, my constant companion in crime and war...my best lil friend...my baby. I would die the worst death for her. My sunshine on the stormiest of days. My reason for living, for working, for enduring school. For her I left her father, to show her what self-respect is when a man is doing wrong....All that I do for her...She walked up to me totally unprovoked and states "I want to live at Daddy's all the time and I don't want to live here anymore. I want to live with just him by myself."
I am not a crier, but the tears came fast.
5 minutes later she came up and said she wants to live with me all the time...so maybe she is just talking without full comprehension...but still...
as the title says....
Monday, February 18, 2008
ANDALE'!!!
Andale' means, "Lets GO"...already..LoL
It's hard to progress, when we keep going in circles..I hate chasing my own tail..waste of time..
I have nothing to give, my love cup is so low it's almost empty. I keep giving, and taking on...
My dad startled me the other day, he was asking how things are with AJ and I mentioned he was sick and I had been again taking care of the poor, big, baby.
My dad was silent. *(this is rare)
After a moment, the usual humor was totally gone from his voice when he spoke.
"That's not what I wanted to hear. You need someone who is going to take care of YOU. Honey, you take on so much, do too much for everyone, but are admirably selfless...you don't need another one to take care of. I want for you to be cared for."
After this marinated a while, I realised my dad was right.
AJ has become not entirely dependant on me, because he is far from it, however, he has come to expect that I can capably handle anything. Including him.
I flipped it on him. He wanted me to help him with his paper. I told him to man up and do it himself. He laughed.
He copped out of Valentines day because he was mad at me from hanging up on him the day before, and told me he hated Vday because it was a joke. He didnt need a commercialized holiday to tell those he cares about..he can do it any damn day of the year... *crickets* Still waiting on that day LoL..
Plus he was sick. He came over to get taken care of. *See?* I vicks'ed him up, tucked him in and did other things... to help him feel better..
H.I.M.
I have allowed him to be lazy and act selfishly. There are many examples that are coming to the surface.
Where am I in this? I continue to put myself second becaue I expect he will put me first.
This is not good.
I have been sick the past few days, so last night he offered to come and take care of me. *jaw drop*
Now, I was sick a few months ago, and he offered to bring me soup, whatever. I didnt let him, because BD was over watching kids..I don't mix the two.
Last night the kids were with BD. So I told AJ, sure come take care of me. Please. *Praying he redeems himself*
Let's just say I am disappointed. My idea of him taking care of me is not the same as his.
When it came time this morning, I asked for breakfast in bed..just to test the waters..
His response:
"Baby, you know I can't cook".
Cop.Out.
He is on some other ishh..he has never had a woman put him in that place to make him cater to her....his babymom does only in the sense he takes good care of his kids..and yes, he cooks for them. Be it Kraft dinner and McD's takeout, he provides...and that is what I was asking for. Provision. Out of love. or at least strong like...
Yes he came over last night and made me put away my homework and made me go right to sleep...But...the service was not up to my standards I guess...and that's really the issue. I am not getting what I put in.
Liv4ME has some serious work to do...as it looks like boot camp will be the only solution to steer AJ in the right direction..but is it worth it? And will he be up for it?....
Maybe Zay is right....sorta. He is more than a 'fling', but....is it 'real love'?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Life ...Blue...
The doctor offered me anti.dep.ressan.ts I have been keeping that thought to myself for the past few months. Since BD and I separated. *I can handle this* ...No problem, I dont need anything...all I need is ME.
Well, two kids, full-time school, financial demands and a lack of support are really killing me. My neighbor is more dependant on me to help her with her two kids, even though I am paying her to help with my oldest before/after school. I'm just that type. I can't say 'no'. To choco, I can't say 'no'. I wait up for him late, let him keep me up (such a struggle LoL)...but pay for it dearly the next day.
My oldest made a comment the other day. Mom, you are tired a lot, and sick often, u ok?
I literally stopped in my tracks.
I bed seek a lot. A LOT. I chalked this down to being tired and busy...don't most people just fiend for their beds?
Now I am at work, at school, and I am mentally vacant. Totally checked out. Not able to focus and am falling asleep. Or irritable and ready to snap. I wanted, begged, for someone to give me a reason today..I had my friend help me put that in check.
I sat in my bed today thinking. I am not always tired, am I? I am escaping reality...
Choco says lets go to the gym. I said come over and get in bed with me. He says, no-gym first!
I hung up on him.
I feel like an alcoholic, I wanted an accomplice to sit and retreat with...I wanted someone to cocoon in my dark room and accomodate my need to check out.
My mother admitted instantly that she can tell I am depressed.
I was pissed.
I was pissed.
This is not what I see myself dealing with. Medications? No thankyou.
I should have went to the gym with him...
but this brain fog and exhaustion are killing me...I get fatigued just thinking about grocery shopping, I feel defeated and anti-social.
This too shall pass...
I feel like there is a war going on in my body, good vs. evil, happy vs. sad, energetic vs. lethargy...who will win?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Unnecessary...But PreventableI came across an article the other day ....broke my heart. Then again today, at 1969's blog I was reminded, as she had it on hers as well... How can we help? What is it I'm talking about? Click HERE I Donated $100 today, not much, but what I can afford on my student budget. I challenge you to meet or beat my donation.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Curveball..What the eff happened?
Out of left field I get smacked..by a fast speeding curveball.
FOUR nights in a row...a total record. F-O-U-R. or should I spell that F-O-U-L.
Obviously it was too much, I was totally pushing for it, just to beat the record. Not exactly the right reason.
I ended up staring at the front door as it closed ast 645am, as he quietly stormed his way out.
He's pissed, I'm hurt.
As usual, he came over, his version of 'soon' my version of 'later'. He was tired and slightly not impressed as he said my 'loud self' kept him up waaay too late (130, he had to be up at 615) *what do you want from me, there was a killer Dave Chappelle marathon on, shit was hard to turn off* LoL.
So he came in and went literally straight to the bedroom. No kiss hello. Hmmph.
Fine, we go right to sleep.
I happen to like my sexin at night. Buddaaaa since he was tired I let that slide.
He, likes to rise, and get it on. Sure fine. Not my style or preference but as he says, I start out saying 'No' but end up saying 'yes, yes' ..LOL
Well yesterday I said no and meant no. So he got no play.
This morning, I was willing to be persuaded.
Lets just say it was a disaster.
Both of us not impressed with the other's lack of effort. He had to leave for work anyway. BUT. He got up out the bed, dressed and flew the coop. *Deuces*
No goodbye. No kiss.
Yes I was pissed.
I sent a txt simple to the point and accepting my behaviour, acknowledging we both could have done differently with a better result and that I was sorry for my part. Wished him a good day.
Is being the bigger person, a pacifist? Because I don't want to fight, don't like tension or difficult situations lingering. Am I wrong to assume we both have a responsibility to the situation...??
Whatever.
Four fucking nights too much I guess.. Make that four 'not fucking' nights.. ;-)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Call the Cops Up...Somebody Stole My HeartWhat it DO blog folk?
So, yeah it's been a hot minute. I have debated giving this up forever, or at least switching up spots again. This just still don't feel like home to me..so we will see.
*SIGH* I am in choco heaven LoL...
We are thisclose now, we have been talking for hours daily, he is just really making that effort to connect and I know he got those loving feelings for ya girl here...me..weelllll I BEEN in love for a while now lol..just still on the fence if Im jumpin in the deep end of the pool or not.
BD still giving me as much slick ass cockblocking as possible. He has been coming over to see kids, and put them to bed, then he just LINGERS. He stays up on my couch for hours playing games on his Iphone, and I generally ignore him and stay in my room doing whatever. Trust I don't go out and sit with him, or encourage him to stay any longer. Once we had a conversation about the fate of one child since she was on my 'most likely to stay grounded for life' list...so that was warranted. The other night though, he smelled another dude I swear. Choco (AJ) had been trying to come over for over a week, for some reason or another BD seemed to always be there so keepin drama free I don't mix men LOL. Anyhow, AJ had a legitimate need to be at my place, he was working on a paper I offered to help him with. Now BD, I finally told his ass straight up 'I want you to go'. I got so vexed that he was up in my space and he could feel my anger. This intrigued his ass and he decided to investigate. And irritate. And provocate.
I saw red.
Dark, bloody red.
I hadn't seen my precious bootylicious choco for almost a week, and we hadnt had any sleepovers in almost a month. I was LONG overdue. LoL.
BD pushed, and pushed, and poked and stuck his nose where it didnt belong. He picked fight after fight, trying to engage me in drama to prolong his departure. As long as he had me heated and fighting he had a reason to 'talk'...It comes down to 1230am. I finally said FUck It. U stay up and fight with your damn self, Im going to bed. Irritated and pissed off to all hell...I was vicious in my words, cut him deep, trying to make him back off, leave, retreat even. That Momofuku followed me into my room, continuing to ask why, how come. In his mind he didnt understand what the problem with him being there was....why I was so mad THIS time...he wanted me to explain. AAAAAAAAAArRRRRGGHHH....
He steps into the bathroom. I head outside to clear my head and hit the green puff to take me out of this reality...
He heard me re-enter the house, MY house, and looking all smug, says 'Ahh I KNEW you were waiting on someone, where he at?"
I just look at him. Raise my hand to his face and walk into my bed.
Hit the pillow. Knocked out.
Now some would say I bitched out, and gave in to him. I did not. I simply chose my battle. I stayed my ground that my business was just that and none of his. I gave him nothing to work with, I resisted his every attempt to engage me in battle, he was even using every trick he had to push my buttons. Nope. Not giving in. I was making a point.
I was not successful in getting him out of my house. I did not have AJ over. I had to drug myself into sleep at 1am. These are facts. However the next day, he showed a defeated manner, depressed and upset that he realized finally that I was not on the same ish as he is. I have moved on. I no longer buy into his way of things. He admitted that he was wrong to test me, and his ass left so fast that night after the kids went to bed that I was stunned.
Yes it was painful for me to see how nasty and coldhearted I could be to this man who I loved for so many years, but it was also reaffirming to see his behaviour still the same as when I left.
Some things never change.
Moving on...Let me talk about AJ. He needs to be arrested, my heart is missing and he knows something about that, I swear. LoL. It is almost criminal how I feel for him. This is what everyone has been talking about. That *High* feeling when you really, really love someone. Yeah, it's like that.
Little things he does absolutely make me melt and hit the sky at the same time. And it's not even sex related LoL. When he is asleep, he will feel me move, and wakes up instantly to pull me closer. He worries that I am leaving the bed or pulling away. My favorite is when he wakes up in the middle of sleep, turns to me, sits up and kisses me. He does a variety of these things. It just makes me so indescribably feeling loved.
Now I ask you, is 'that talk' necessary? I know some folks who don't have it, but progress in the relationship fine. My last friend who initiated that talk, apparently didnt execute it properly and they ended up breaking up.
I have avoided it, and so has he. We refer to each other as 'friend' so-and-so. He will say it and then laugh because he knows better...it's a hell of a lot better being friends than just lovers.
Now as I just asked about if 'the talk' is necessary, what about this...I do not sweat him. We both have a rule, if we call/txt or whatever a couple times and no answer/reply then hey, no big deal we will catch up whenever. Yesterday he made two comments that interested me greatly. He said he was going to work out, and that I should call him later. I simply said for him to call when he's out of the gym. He was like..hmm I'm always calling u..so what if I'm working out, u call me.
So I stopped to think ... ok.. what is he trying to say.
Then, later, he said as we were on the couch, he pulled me close to him, and said that I never go to him, he's the one making the moves .. not me. He said I dont make effort to be close to him that he's always the one on me.
So, I think he's thinking of trying to find out where my head's at...in a roundabout way, where we sit on a feelings type thing..sorta like 'the talk'.. no?
I guess he wants to know if I called the po-po on him for theft .. :-)
I'm thinking we will be sitting in that cell together since I hope I was successful in my heist of the year for his heart too...
What u think...
Missed this!! Dayum!