It's All About Me
Monday, February 18, 2008
ANDALE'!!!
Andale' means, "Lets GO"...already..LoL
It's hard to progress, when we keep going in circles..I hate chasing my own tail..waste of time..
I have nothing to give, my love cup is so low it's almost empty. I keep giving, and taking on...
My dad startled me the other day, he was asking how things are with AJ and I mentioned he was sick and I had been again taking care of the poor, big, baby.
My dad was silent. *(this is rare)
After a moment, the usual humor was totally gone from his voice when he spoke.
"That's not what I wanted to hear. You need someone who is going to take care of YOU. Honey, you take on so much, do too much for everyone, but are admirably selfless...you don't need another one to take care of. I want for you to be cared for."
After this marinated a while, I realised my dad was right.
AJ has become not entirely dependant on me, because he is far from it, however, he has come to expect that I can capably handle anything. Including him.
I flipped it on him. He wanted me to help him with his paper. I told him to man up and do it himself. He laughed.
He copped out of Valentines day because he was mad at me from hanging up on him the day before, and told me he hated Vday because it was a joke. He didnt need a commercialized holiday to tell those he cares about..he can do it any damn day of the year... *crickets* Still waiting on that day LoL..
Plus he was sick. He came over to get taken care of. *See?* I vicks'ed him up, tucked him in and did other things... to help him feel better..
H.I.M.
I have allowed him to be lazy and act selfishly. There are many examples that are coming to the surface.
Where am I in this? I continue to put myself second becaue I expect he will put me first.
This is not good.
I have been sick the past few days, so last night he offered to come and take care of me. *jaw drop*
Now, I was sick a few months ago, and he offered to bring me soup, whatever. I didnt let him, because BD was over watching kids..I don't mix the two.
Last night the kids were with BD. So I told AJ, sure come take care of me. Please. *Praying he redeems himself*
Let's just say I am disappointed. My idea of him taking care of me is not the same as his.
When it came time this morning, I asked for breakfast in bed..just to test the waters..
His response:
"Baby, you know I can't cook".
Cop.Out.
He is on some other ishh..he has never had a woman put him in that place to make him cater to her....his babymom does only in the sense he takes good care of his kids..and yes, he cooks for them. Be it Kraft dinner and McD's takeout, he provides...and that is what I was asking for. Provision. Out of love. or at least strong like...
Yes he came over last night and made me put away my homework and made me go right to sleep...But...the service was not up to my standards I guess...and that's really the issue. I am not getting what I put in.
Liv4ME has some serious work to do...as it looks like boot camp will be the only solution to steer AJ in the right direction..but is it worth it? And will he be up for it?....
Maybe Zay is right....sorta. He is more than a 'fling', but....is it 'real love'?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Life ...Blue...
The doctor offered me anti.dep.ressan.ts I have been keeping that thought to myself for the past few months. Since BD and I separated. *I can handle this* ...No problem, I dont need anything...all I need is ME.
Well, two kids, full-time school, financial demands and a lack of support are really killing me. My neighbor is more dependant on me to help her with her two kids, even though I am paying her to help with my oldest before/after school. I'm just that type. I can't say 'no'. To choco, I can't say 'no'. I wait up for him late, let him keep me up (such a struggle LoL)...but pay for it dearly the next day.
My oldest made a comment the other day. Mom, you are tired a lot, and sick often, u ok?
I literally stopped in my tracks.
I bed seek a lot. A LOT. I chalked this down to being tired and busy...don't most people just fiend for their beds?
Now I am at work, at school, and I am mentally vacant. Totally checked out. Not able to focus and am falling asleep. Or irritable and ready to snap. I wanted, begged, for someone to give me a reason today..I had my friend help me put that in check.
I sat in my bed today thinking. I am not always tired, am I? I am escaping reality...
Choco says lets go to the gym. I said come over and get in bed with me. He says, no-gym first!
I hung up on him.
I feel like an alcoholic, I wanted an accomplice to sit and retreat with...I wanted someone to cocoon in my dark room and accomodate my need to check out.
My mother admitted instantly that she can tell I am depressed.
I was pissed.
I was pissed.
This is not what I see myself dealing with. Medications? No thankyou.
I should have went to the gym with him...
but this brain fog and exhaustion are killing me...I get fatigued just thinking about grocery shopping, I feel defeated and anti-social.
This too shall pass...
I feel like there is a war going on in my body, good vs. evil, happy vs. sad, energetic vs. lethargy...who will win?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Unnecessary...But PreventableI came across an article the other day ....broke my heart. Then again today, at 1969's blog I was reminded, as she had it on hers as well... How can we help? What is it I'm talking about? Click HERE I Donated $100 today, not much, but what I can afford on my student budget. I challenge you to meet or beat my donation.