It's All About Me
Monday, January 28, 2008
Curveball..What the eff happened?
Out of left field I get smacked..by a fast speeding curveball.
FOUR nights in a row...a total record. F-O-U-R. or should I spell that F-O-U-L.
Obviously it was too much, I was totally pushing for it, just to beat the record. Not exactly the right reason.
I ended up staring at the front door as it closed ast 645am, as he quietly stormed his way out.
He's pissed, I'm hurt.
As usual, he came over, his version of 'soon' my version of 'later'. He was tired and slightly not impressed as he said my 'loud self' kept him up waaay too late (130, he had to be up at 615) *what do you want from me, there was a killer Dave Chappelle marathon on, shit was hard to turn off* LoL.
So he came in and went literally straight to the bedroom. No kiss hello. Hmmph.
Fine, we go right to sleep.
I happen to like my sexin at night. Buddaaaa since he was tired I let that slide.
He, likes to rise, and get it on. Sure fine. Not my style or preference but as he says, I start out saying 'No' but end up saying 'yes, yes' ..LOL
Well yesterday I said no and meant no. So he got no play.
This morning, I was willing to be persuaded.
Lets just say it was a disaster.
Both of us not impressed with the other's lack of effort. He had to leave for work anyway. BUT. He got up out the bed, dressed and flew the coop. *Deuces*
No goodbye. No kiss.
Yes I was pissed.
I sent a txt simple to the point and accepting my behaviour, acknowledging we both could have done differently with a better result and that I was sorry for my part. Wished him a good day.
Is being the bigger person, a pacifist? Because I don't want to fight, don't like tension or difficult situations lingering. Am I wrong to assume we both have a responsibility to the situation...??
Whatever.
Four fucking nights too much I guess.. Make that four 'not fucking' nights.. ;-)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Call the Cops Up...Somebody Stole My HeartWhat it DO blog folk?
So, yeah it's been a hot minute. I have debated giving this up forever, or at least switching up spots again. This just still don't feel like home to me..so we will see.
*SIGH* I am in choco heaven LoL...
We are thisclose now, we have been talking for hours daily, he is just really making that effort to connect and I know he got those loving feelings for ya girl here...me..weelllll I BEEN in love for a while now lol..just still on the fence if Im jumpin in the deep end of the pool or not.
BD still giving me as much slick ass cockblocking as possible. He has been coming over to see kids, and put them to bed, then he just LINGERS. He stays up on my couch for hours playing games on his Iphone, and I generally ignore him and stay in my room doing whatever. Trust I don't go out and sit with him, or encourage him to stay any longer. Once we had a conversation about the fate of one child since she was on my 'most likely to stay grounded for life' list...so that was warranted. The other night though, he smelled another dude I swear. Choco (AJ) had been trying to come over for over a week, for some reason or another BD seemed to always be there so keepin drama free I don't mix men LOL. Anyhow, AJ had a legitimate need to be at my place, he was working on a paper I offered to help him with. Now BD, I finally told his ass straight up 'I want you to go'. I got so vexed that he was up in my space and he could feel my anger. This intrigued his ass and he decided to investigate. And irritate. And provocate.
I saw red.
Dark, bloody red.
I hadn't seen my precious bootylicious choco for almost a week, and we hadnt had any sleepovers in almost a month. I was LONG overdue. LoL.
BD pushed, and pushed, and poked and stuck his nose where it didnt belong. He picked fight after fight, trying to engage me in drama to prolong his departure. As long as he had me heated and fighting he had a reason to 'talk'...It comes down to 1230am. I finally said FUck It. U stay up and fight with your damn self, Im going to bed. Irritated and pissed off to all hell...I was vicious in my words, cut him deep, trying to make him back off, leave, retreat even. That Momofuku followed me into my room, continuing to ask why, how come. In his mind he didnt understand what the problem with him being there was....why I was so mad THIS time...he wanted me to explain. AAAAAAAAAArRRRRGGHHH....
He steps into the bathroom. I head outside to clear my head and hit the green puff to take me out of this reality...
He heard me re-enter the house, MY house, and looking all smug, says 'Ahh I KNEW you were waiting on someone, where he at?"
I just look at him. Raise my hand to his face and walk into my bed.
Hit the pillow. Knocked out.
Now some would say I bitched out, and gave in to him. I did not. I simply chose my battle. I stayed my ground that my business was just that and none of his. I gave him nothing to work with, I resisted his every attempt to engage me in battle, he was even using every trick he had to push my buttons. Nope. Not giving in. I was making a point.
I was not successful in getting him out of my house. I did not have AJ over. I had to drug myself into sleep at 1am. These are facts. However the next day, he showed a defeated manner, depressed and upset that he realized finally that I was not on the same ish as he is. I have moved on. I no longer buy into his way of things. He admitted that he was wrong to test me, and his ass left so fast that night after the kids went to bed that I was stunned.
Yes it was painful for me to see how nasty and coldhearted I could be to this man who I loved for so many years, but it was also reaffirming to see his behaviour still the same as when I left.
Some things never change.
Moving on...Let me talk about AJ. He needs to be arrested, my heart is missing and he knows something about that, I swear. LoL. It is almost criminal how I feel for him. This is what everyone has been talking about. That *High* feeling when you really, really love someone. Yeah, it's like that.
Little things he does absolutely make me melt and hit the sky at the same time. And it's not even sex related LoL. When he is asleep, he will feel me move, and wakes up instantly to pull me closer. He worries that I am leaving the bed or pulling away. My favorite is when he wakes up in the middle of sleep, turns to me, sits up and kisses me. He does a variety of these things. It just makes me so indescribably feeling loved.
Now I ask you, is 'that talk' necessary? I know some folks who don't have it, but progress in the relationship fine. My last friend who initiated that talk, apparently didnt execute it properly and they ended up breaking up.
I have avoided it, and so has he. We refer to each other as 'friend' so-and-so. He will say it and then laugh because he knows better...it's a hell of a lot better being friends than just lovers.
Now as I just asked about if 'the talk' is necessary, what about this...I do not sweat him. We both have a rule, if we call/txt or whatever a couple times and no answer/reply then hey, no big deal we will catch up whenever. Yesterday he made two comments that interested me greatly. He said he was going to work out, and that I should call him later. I simply said for him to call when he's out of the gym. He was like..hmm I'm always calling u..so what if I'm working out, u call me.
So I stopped to think ... ok.. what is he trying to say.
Then, later, he said as we were on the couch, he pulled me close to him, and said that I never go to him, he's the one making the moves .. not me. He said I dont make effort to be close to him that he's always the one on me.
So, I think he's thinking of trying to find out where my head's at...in a roundabout way, where we sit on a feelings type thing..sorta like 'the talk'.. no?
I guess he wants to know if I called the po-po on him for theft .. :-)
I'm thinking we will be sitting in that cell together since I hope I was successful in my heist of the year for his heart too...
What u think...
Missed this!! Dayum!