It's All About Me
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Slapped in the Face..with a Big Hand Wide OpenWow. Im reeling.
Maybe Im just trippin. I tend to do that. A lot. Especially in relation to things Choco (AJ) says/doesnt say, or does/doesnt do. But this is undeniable I swear Xavier himself cannot dispute my perception and deduction from that.....
I pull up to the school, he stands there waiting...for me. Small talk aside, he hops in to get close for a minute. Tosses aside the book I brought, that he asked me to bring, so he can put his arm around me. I am beaming on the inside. Outside, Im cool.
He is here preparing for a class, with another classmate, some guy I have seen around the way. The other day actually, when I again brought something for him to the school, just cuz Im that damn nice.
So I quickly call my daughter to make sure shes doing what shes supposed to be doing. While Im on the phone, he gets on his. The conversation was something like "Naw, its not like that man, I swear...Nah, Nah, really....She has a man, ....She got a boyfriend ...its not like that"
Oh?
So I look at him, put my phone call on hold, and say loudly " Excuse me? I have a what?"
He smirks, shushes me, and hangs up. I hang up mine and spit out " Who the hell you tellin lies about me to? I have a boyfriend huh?"
More smirks, uncomfortable ones...and he says, "uh well, he was talking bout Im out here with you all kissy kissy and shit...I just dont want him up in our business"
hmmm...naw. Add a little neck-poppin..
"And what EXACTLY iiiss our business??"
Smirk, lip lick, ....pause..."uh, ..we FRIENDS" BIG ass smirk.
SAY WHAT?
"Well you can take your 'friend'ly ass out my car then, cuz Im sure my 'boyfriend' will mind"
Uh oh, damage control time..."Come here, give me a friendly hug"
No, Nuh-uh, Thanks Im good. "Naw. Take your ass to class then, friend, I got to go."
*Laughing*"Yeah, Ima call you later...Ima come tutor you later boo.."
Getdafawkoutmycar.
And that...was what happened.
Yes, I am dramatic.
Yes I am PISSED OFF.
But.
I am Pissed off at myself.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Random Ness... Bored..
With this blogsite. Im going to move my spot ...yes again. I dont like being private....and am looking for another site that will serve my purposes...
Not just bored, but tired. What's new..
I need, NEED some sex. Not just for physical etc pleasure..I mean sure, yes, please! But, also I need if to replace the memory of the last event that happened in my netherparts.
As a female, we have to endure violation and humilitaion regularly in the form of pap s.mears. Yesterday was my turn. Ugh.
Thank god my doctor is in the same mindset as I am. He walked in, swiftly took the magazine out of my hand, and said what I was thinking, "Let's get this over with". LOL.
Ugh.
So afterward, we are discussing birth control, etc. and my eyes find their way to his crotch. Granted my doctor is pushing 60, married, not even remotely attractive, but hey, I guess fair is fair, No?
He was just ALL UP in my business, WITH a lamp to illuminate all my intimate little parts.
LOL.
Why did I have a fascination with male crotches for the rest of the day....retaliation I suppose. I got busted once though, and the owner flashed me a smirk. Oh please. Was nothing there to smirk about honey...
Why do four year olds have more common sense and logic than grown, formaly educated adults?
With a keen sense of observation she asks me why did I have a brace on my wrist? Hmm. How do you explain tendon.itis and car.pal tun.nel to a four year old?
I replied that it was from doing too much work on the computer.
Well, she replies, dont do so much work then Mommy. *Now why didn't I think of that?* So simple....
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Truly Madly Deeply AJ...
Choco's name is AJ. I am stupid for him....Oh...yes. He let me in. He allowed me to care for him. And I did, yes I did.
After a night out the other night, we had a disagreement. This was the result of my deep feelings for him, coupled with my fears, assumptions, and defense mechanisms. (And a little alcohol and pms LOL)
I invited him out for a study break beer. We hadn't seen each other for over a week and we had both said we missed each other. School is stupid, retarded, insanely busy right now and we talk about dropping out daily. One of his classmates just did, and they are only one semester away from graduating from our 4 year program. Its that bad y'all.
It was my girls bday, and I was out at the pub, looking good, no looking HOT. So he got invited out. I called and he came. However, in my insecure mind, he didn't call back soon enough, didn't show up fast enough, so I got heated.
When he arrived, we were outside, my girl was smoking. He grabbed me, enveloped me in his hug, and held me like he was never going to let me go.
What did I do?
Pulled away.
*Shaking my head*
I gave him attitude for taking so long, blahblahblah.
Once inside, he sat on a bar stool, and I across from him. He kept asking me to come sit on his chair with him. He repeated he hasnt seen me in so long, come over here...grabbing for my hand, trying to pull me to him.
What did I do?
Played cool, told him to come sit with ME on my seat, and almost ignored him.
Once he finished his beer I thanked him for coming out, and said see you whenever. Jokingly. And I turned and went to say bye to my girl. He saw me walk away and he left.
I lost my damn mind. We had talked bout him coming home with me later...where did he think he was going????
So I got on my phone, and asked him what the eff happened???
He said he saw me walk away and thought I left him. I was pissed because he left. He offered to come back. I told him I was leaving anyway. He said allright, and hung up.
Fuck, I can be such an asshole when I want to be.
He called back after a bit and offered to come apologize in person.
He did. And stayed over. Breaking my #1 rule. No sleepovers when my kids are home. I promised painful death if he even coughed LOL...
No sex. We just cuddled. wow. nothing says lovin like a kiss on the forehead.
Fast forward a day later.
I realise I was a total asshole. I should have enjoyed that hug, I should have sat with him. I should have.....appreciated that he came out to see me and been so happy to see me...
*Heavy Sigh*
My spiritual advisor, Xavier, (XO babe) showed me that I was the reason things weren't happening how I wanted them to be. I was making mountains out of nothing. I was assuming everything without knowing anything. I was reacting, and overreacting constantly.
I was letting my fears eat away at all my good feelings, and it was clouding my judgement like black fog. Toxic, thick, black fog.
I know this man is busy. He is very close to graduation. Killing himself trying to make good grades. Busting his ass in clinical. He is at his children's house daily, taking them to games, school, etc. Not sleeping, not eating, desperately trying to find time to have his Sundays free to watch his favorite NFL team ... and I trip the fuck out ...and overdose him with bitchy attitude.
All right.
So I apologize. Via Msn. LOL... he accepts and says again that he's sorry too.
My best guy friend tells me how I need to really really show him I am sorry. Take him out to eat or something. Make it all about him. Well, he has been asking me to cook for him forever..
So I made a killer dinner for him, tupperwared it up, and bought a big lunchkit added cookies, various snacks, treats, and our favorite gum (yes, we have a gum LOL)
Told him I needed to meet him as I had a present for him.
MIDNIGHT he finally came through. Tired, coughing, and exhausted. He fell into my arms.
We talked for a while, then sat on the couch. He put his head on my lap and melted into me. Talking bout he needed to go home and sleep, rest, didn't want me to see him like that all sick.
I told him about his surprise. He hugged me like no other. THANK YOU. He was so touched that I actually cooked FOR HIM.
I took him to bed, set up a mist machine, rubbed vicks all over his body and climbed in next to him. I wrapped myself around him and we slept.
I never sleep well when he is over. I am giddy that he is actually there, and also afraid of my kids waking up.
He slept so peacefully, and thanked me for taking care of him in the morning. Taking his picnic home, as he left to go get his daughter for her soccer game early. What a man....
I got it bad.
Really bad.
I Almost said the 'L' word....