It's All About Me

Sigh

2008-03-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

I Love H.I.M.

Why does that make me sad. To the point of tears. And NO i'm not pregnant.

I enjoy him too much. Way too much.

My car got raped. Yes I said Raped. They gutted out the dash of it, ripped it out and took off with it...popped my trunk and stole all its contents. Leaving it undrivable, open and cut wires everydamnwheres. The funniest part is that the CD player deck they went to all that trouble to rip off, well, its been broken for over a week. Ha ha ha.

All day I was pissed, dealing with cops, insurance jackers who wont give me a rental car while my whip gets fixed...because their agent fucked up my type of insurance, but they will gladly help me correct that, however it wont affect this claim. Fuckers.

All this money I have to pay for the deductible, the rental, and for a new amp/sub since mine wasnt able to be claimed due to more sneaky insurance loopholes.

And BD behind on two months of child support.

Like a knight in shining armor, my AJ came through that night. I was already smoked up and deep into Scar.face. Feeling like I had lost my best friend.

He jumps in the crib and kisses me crazy, talking about how his poor baby is....me! LoL..wow.

Been keeping my spirits up, helping me plan and strategize, taking me for a massage to get my neck fixed (ALL my stress is there) then out to eat at my fave spot. A bunch of food and some good ass Bellini's later...I stare at him as I feed him a fajita by hand...yes yes y'all he be eating out my hand...oooh. nothing could have made me happier. He and I clown and joke, talk, dream, and get along like soulmates.

He drives me home since I am his, he been my ride all day. Comes in the house. As I handle something, I realize he is gone.

I walk into my bedroom, the lights low, he is topless and surfing the net on my laptop. My heart stops. He is so beautiful. He looks up at me, smiles, and with THOSE eyes...draws me into a hug, pulling me under the sheets. Holds me close and my world is all right.

He is at ball. Playing with his boys. He left about an hour ago. I know I love this man. It is killing me.

Why does it hurt. Why do I painfully watch Mary J 'Be With You' and a tear threatens to roll out.

Because we haven't moved past being.....'friends'...

..There's the phone...He's coming back.

Un-Break My Heart...

2008-03-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

My four year old, the owner of my heart, my constant companion in crime and war...my best lil friend...my baby. I would die the worst death for her. My sunshine on the stormiest of days. My reason for living, for working, for enduring school. For her I left her father, to show her what self-respect is when a man is doing wrong....All that I do for her...
She walked up to me totally unprovoked and states "I want to live at Daddy's all the time and I don't want to live here anymore. I want to live with just him by myself."

I am not a crier, but the tears came fast.

5 minutes later she came up and said she wants to live with me all the time...so maybe she is just talking without full comprehension...but still...

as the title says....

ANDALE'!!!

2008-02-18T13:46:00.001-08:00

Andale' means, "Lets GO"...already..LoL

It's hard to progress, when we keep going in circles..I hate chasing my own tail..waste of time..

I have nothing to give, my love cup is so low it's almost empty. I keep giving, and taking on...

My dad startled me the other day, he was asking how things are with AJ and I mentioned he was sick and I had been again taking care of the poor, big, baby.

My dad was silent. *(this is rare)

After a moment, the usual humor was totally gone from his voice when he spoke.

"That's not what I wanted to hear. You need someone who is going to take care of YOU. Honey, you take on so much, do too much for everyone, but are admirably selfless...you don't need another one to take care of. I want for you to be cared for."

After this marinated a while, I realised my dad was right.

AJ has become not entirely dependant on me, because he is far from it, however, he has come to expect that I can capably handle anything. Including him.

I flipped it on him. He wanted me to help him with his paper. I told him to man up and do it himself. He laughed.

He copped out of Valentines day because he was mad at me from hanging up on him the day before, and told me he hated Vday because it was a joke. He didnt need a commercialized holiday to tell those he cares about..he can do it any damn day of the year... *crickets* Still waiting on that day LoL..
Plus he was sick. He came over to get taken care of. *See?* I vicks'ed him up, tucked him in and did other things... to help him feel better..

H.I.M.

I have allowed him to be lazy and act selfishly. There are many examples that are coming to the surface.

Where am I in this? I continue to put myself second becaue I expect he will put me first.

This is not good.

I have been sick the past few days, so last night he offered to come and take care of me. *jaw drop*

Now, I was sick a few months ago, and he offered to bring me soup, whatever. I didnt let him, because BD was over watching kids..I don't mix the two.

Last night the kids were with BD. So I told AJ, sure come take care of me. Please. *Praying he redeems himself*

Let's just say I am disappointed. My idea of him taking care of me is not the same as his.
When it came time this morning, I asked for breakfast in bed..just to test the waters..

His response:

"Baby, you know I can't cook".

Cop.Out.

He is on some other ishh..he has never had a woman put him in that place to make him cater to her....his babymom does only in the sense he takes good care of his kids..and yes, he cooks for them. Be it Kraft dinner and McD's takeout, he provides...and that is what I was asking for. Provision. Out of love. or at least strong like...

Yes he came over last night and made me put away my homework and made me go right to sleep...But...the service was not up to my standards I guess...and that's really the issue. I am not getting what I put in.

Liv4ME has some serious work to do...as it looks like boot camp will be the only solution to steer AJ in the right direction..but is it worth it? And will he be up for it?....

Maybe Zay is right....sorta. He is more than a 'fling', but....is it 'real love'?

Life ...Blue...

2008-02-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

The doctor offered me anti.dep.ressan.ts I have been keeping that thought to myself for the past few months. Since BD and I separated. *I can handle this* ...No problem, I dont need anything...all I need is ME.

Well, two kids, full-time school, financial demands and a lack of support are really killing me. My neighbor is more dependant on me to help her with her two kids, even though I am paying her to help with my oldest before/after school. I'm just that type. I can't say 'no'. To choco, I can't say 'no'. I wait up for him late, let him keep me up (such a struggle LoL)...but pay for it dearly the next day.

My oldest made a comment the other day. Mom, you are tired a lot, and sick often, u ok?

I literally stopped in my tracks.

I bed seek a lot. A LOT. I chalked this down to being tired and busy...don't most people just fiend for their beds?

Now I am at work, at school, and I am mentally vacant. Totally checked out. Not able to focus and am falling asleep. Or irritable and ready to snap. I wanted, begged, for someone to give me a reason today..I had my friend help me put that in check.

I sat in my bed today thinking. I am not always tired, am I? I am escaping reality...

Choco says lets go to the gym. I said come over and get in bed with me. He says, no-gym first!

I hung up on him.

I feel like an alcoholic, I wanted an accomplice to sit and retreat with...I wanted someone to cocoon in my dark room and accomodate my need to check out.

My mother admitted instantly that she can tell I am depressed.
I was pissed.

This is not what I see myself dealing with. Medications? No thankyou.

I should have went to the gym with him...

but this brain fog and exhaustion are killing me...I get fatigued just thinking about grocery shopping, I feel defeated and anti-social.

This too shall pass...

I feel like there is a war going on in my body, good vs. evil, happy vs. sad, energetic vs. lethargy...who will win?

Unnecessary...But Preventable

2008-02-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

I came across an article the other day ....broke my heart. Then again today, at 1969's blog I was reminded, as she had it on hers as well... How can we help? What is it I'm talking about? Click HERE I Donated $100 today, not much, but what I can afford on my student budget. I challenge you to meet or beat my donation.

Curveball..

2008-01-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

What the eff happened?
Out of left field I get smacked..by a fast speeding curveball.
FOUR nights in a row...a total record. F-O-U-R. or should I spell that F-O-U-L.
Obviously it was too much, I was totally pushing for it, just to beat the record. Not exactly the right reason.
I ended up staring at the front door as it closed ast 645am, as he quietly stormed his way out.
He's pissed, I'm hurt.
As usual, he came over, his version of 'soon' my version of 'later'. He was tired and slightly not impressed as he said my 'loud self' kept him up waaay too late (130, he had to be up at 615) *what do you want from me, there was a killer Dave Chappelle marathon on, shit was hard to turn off* LoL.
So he came in and went literally straight to the bedroom. No kiss hello. Hmmph.
Fine, we go right to sleep.
I happen to like my sexin at night. Buddaaaa since he was tired I let that slide.
He, likes to rise, and get it on. Sure fine. Not my style or preference but as he says, I start out saying 'No' but end up saying 'yes, yes' ..LOL
Well yesterday I said no and meant no. So he got no play.
This morning, I was willing to be persuaded.
Lets just say it was a disaster.
Both of us not impressed with the other's lack of effort. He had to leave for work anyway. BUT. He got up out the bed, dressed and flew the coop. *Deuces*
No goodbye. No kiss.
Yes I was pissed.
I sent a txt simple to the point and accepting my behaviour, acknowledging we both could have done differently with a better result and that I was sorry for my part. Wished him a good day.

Is being the bigger person, a pacifist? Because I don't want to fight, don't like tension or difficult situations lingering. Am I wrong to assume we both have a responsibility to the situation...??
Whatever.
Four fucking nights too much I guess.. Make that four 'not fucking' nights.. ;-)

Call the Cops Up...Somebody Stole My Heart

2008-01-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

What it DO blog folk?

So, yeah it's been a hot minute. I have debated giving this up forever, or at least switching up spots again. This just still don't feel like home to me..so we will see.

*SIGH* I am in choco heaven LoL...
We are thisclose now, we have been talking for hours daily, he is just really making that effort to connect and I know he got those loving feelings for ya girl here...me..weelllll I BEEN in love for a while now lol..just still on the fence if Im jumpin in the deep end of the pool or not.

BD still giving me as much slick ass cockblocking as possible. He has been coming over to see kids, and put them to bed, then he just LINGERS. He stays up on my couch for hours playing games on his Iphone, and I generally ignore him and stay in my room doing whatever. Trust I don't go out and sit with him, or encourage him to stay any longer. Once we had a conversation about the fate of one child since she was on my 'most likely to stay grounded for life' list...so that was warranted. The other night though, he smelled another dude I swear. Choco (AJ) had been trying to come over for over a week, for some reason or another BD seemed to always be there so keepin drama free I don't mix men LOL. Anyhow, AJ had a legitimate need to be at my place, he was working on a paper I offered to help him with. Now BD, I finally told his ass straight up 'I want you to go'. I got so vexed that he was up in my space and he could feel my anger. This intrigued his ass and he decided to investigate. And irritate. And provocate.
I saw red.
Dark, bloody red.
I hadn't seen my precious bootylicious choco for almost a week, and we hadnt had any sleepovers in almost a month. I was LONG overdue. LoL.
BD pushed, and pushed, and poked and stuck his nose where it didnt belong. He picked fight after fight, trying to engage me in drama to prolong his departure. As long as he had me heated and fighting he had a reason to 'talk'...It comes down to 1230am. I finally said FUck It. U stay up and fight with your damn self, Im going to bed. Irritated and pissed off to all hell...I was vicious in my words, cut him deep, trying to make him back off, leave, retreat even. That Momofuku followed me into my room, continuing to ask why, how come. In his mind he didnt understand what the problem with him being there was....why I was so mad THIS time...he wanted me to explain. AAAAAAAAAArRRRRGGHHH....
He steps into the bathroom. I head outside to clear my head and hit the green puff to take me out of this reality...
He heard me re-enter the house, MY house, and looking all smug, says 'Ahh I KNEW you were waiting on someone, where he at?"
I just look at him. Raise my hand to his face and walk into my bed.
Hit the pillow. Knocked out.

Now some would say I bitched out, and gave in to him. I did not. I simply chose my battle. I stayed my ground that my business was just that and none of his. I gave him nothing to work with, I resisted his every attempt to engage me in battle, he was even using every trick he had to push my buttons. Nope. Not giving in. I was making a point.
I was not successful in getting him out of my house. I did not have AJ over. I had to drug myself into sleep at 1am. These are facts. However the next day, he showed a defeated manner, depressed and upset that he realized finally that I was not on the same ish as he is. I have moved on. I no longer buy into his way of things. He admitted that he was wrong to test me, and his ass left so fast that night after the kids went to bed that I was stunned.
Yes it was painful for me to see how nasty and coldhearted I could be to this man who I loved for so many years, but it was also reaffirming to see his behaviour still the same as when I left.
Some things never change.

Moving on...Let me talk about AJ. He needs to be arrested, my heart is missing and he knows something about that, I swear. LoL. It is almost criminal how I feel for him. This is what everyone has been talking about. That *High* feeling when you really, really love someone. Yeah, it's like that.
Little things he does absolutely make me melt and hit the sky at the same time. And it's not even sex related LoL. When he is asleep, he will feel me move, and wakes up instantly to pull me closer. He worries that I am leaving the bed or pulling away. My favorite is when he wakes up in the middle of sleep, turns to me, sits up and kisses me. He does a variety of these things. It just makes me so indescribably feeling loved.
Now I ask you, is 'that talk' necessary? I know some folks who don't have it, but progress in the relationship fine. My last friend who initiated that talk, apparently didnt execute it properly and they ended up breaking up.
I have avoided it, and so has he. We refer to each other as 'friend' so-and-so. He will say it and then laugh because he knows better...it's a hell of a lot better being friends than just lovers.
Now as I just asked about if 'the talk' is necessary, what about this...I do not sweat him. We both have a rule, if we call/txt or whatever a couple times and no answer/reply then hey, no big deal we will catch up whenever. Yesterday he made two comments that interested me greatly. He said he was going to work out, and that I should call him later. I simply said for him to call when he's out of the gym. He was like..hmm I'm always calling u..so what if I'm working out, u call me.
So I stopped to think ... ok.. what is he trying to say.
Then, later, he said as we were on the couch, he pulled me close to him, and said that I never go to him, he's the one making the moves .. not me. He said I dont make effort to be close to him that he's always the one on me.
So, I think he's thinking of trying to find out where my head's at...in a roundabout way, where we sit on a feelings type thing..sorta like 'the talk'.. no?
I guess he wants to know if I called the po-po on him for theft .. :-)
I'm thinking we will be sitting in that cell together since I hope I was successful in my heist of the year for his heart too...
What u think...
Missed this!! Dayum!

Slapped in the Face..with a Big Hand Wide Open

2007-11-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. Im reeling.
Maybe Im just trippin. I tend to do that. A lot. Especially in relation to things Choco (AJ) says/doesnt say, or does/doesnt do. But this is undeniable I swear Xavier himself cannot dispute my perception and deduction from that.....

I pull up to the school, he stands there waiting...for me. Small talk aside, he hops in to get close for a minute. Tosses aside the book I brought, that he asked me to bring, so he can put his arm around me. I am beaming on the inside. Outside, Im cool.
He is here preparing for a class, with another classmate, some guy I have seen around the way. The other day actually, when I again brought something for him to the school, just cuz Im that damn nice.
So I quickly call my daughter to make sure shes doing what shes supposed to be doing. While Im on the phone, he gets on his. The conversation was something like "Naw, its not like that man, I swear...Nah, Nah, really....She has a man, ....She got a boyfriend ...its not like that"
Oh?
So I look at him, put my phone call on hold, and say loudly " Excuse me? I have a what?"

He smirks, shushes me, and hangs up. I hang up mine and spit out " Who the hell you tellin lies about me to? I have a boyfriend huh?"
More smirks, uncomfortable ones...and he says, "uh well, he was talking bout Im out here with you all kissy kissy and shit...I just dont want him up in our business"
hmmm...naw. Add a little neck-poppin..
"And what EXACTLY iiiss our business??"
Smirk, lip lick, ....pause..."uh, ..we FRIENDS" BIG ass smirk.

SAY WHAT?

"Well you can take your 'friend'ly ass out my car then, cuz Im sure my 'boyfriend' will mind"

Uh oh, damage control time..."Come here, give me a friendly hug"

No, Nuh-uh, Thanks Im good. "Naw. Take your ass to class then, friend, I got to go."

*Laughing*"Yeah, Ima call you later...Ima come tutor you later boo.."

Getdafawkoutmycar.

And that...was what happened.

Yes, I am dramatic.
Yes I am PISSED OFF.
But.
I am Pissed off at myself.

Random Ness... Bored..

2007-11-09T17:35:00.002-08:00

With this blogsite. Im going to move my spot ...yes again. I dont like being private....and am looking for another site that will serve my purposes...

Not just bored, but tired. What's new..

I need, NEED some sex. Not just for physical etc pleasure..I mean sure, yes, please! But, also I need if to replace the memory of the last event that happened in my netherparts.

As a female, we have to endure violation and humilitaion regularly in the form of pap s.mears. Yesterday was my turn. Ugh.

Thank god my doctor is in the same mindset as I am. He walked in, swiftly took the magazine out of my hand, and said what I was thinking, "Let's get this over with". LOL.

Ugh.

So afterward, we are discussing birth control, etc. and my eyes find their way to his crotch. Granted my doctor is pushing 60, married, not even remotely attractive, but hey, I guess fair is fair, No?

He was just ALL UP in my business, WITH a lamp to illuminate all my intimate little parts.

LOL.

Why did I have a fascination with male crotches for the rest of the day....retaliation I suppose. I got busted once though, and the owner flashed me a smirk. Oh please. Was nothing there to smirk about honey...

Why do four year olds have more common sense and logic than grown, formaly educated adults?

With a keen sense of observation she asks me why did I have a brace on my wrist? Hmm. How do you explain tendon.itis and car.pal tun.nel to a four year old?

I replied that it was from doing too much work on the computer.

Well, she replies, dont do so much work then Mommy. *Now why didn't I think of that?* So simple....

Truly Madly Deeply AJ...

2007-11-04T11:32:00.001-08:00

Choco's name is AJ. I am stupid for him....

Oh...yes. He let me in. He allowed me to care for him. And I did, yes I did.

After a night out the other night, we had a disagreement. This was the result of my deep feelings for him, coupled with my fears, assumptions, and defense mechanisms. (And a little alcohol and pms LOL)
I invited him out for a study break beer. We hadn't seen each other for over a week and we had both said we missed each other. School is stupid, retarded, insanely busy right now and we talk about dropping out daily. One of his classmates just did, and they are only one semester away from graduating from our 4 year program. Its that bad y'all.
It was my girls bday, and I was out at the pub, looking good, no looking HOT. So he got invited out. I called and he came. However, in my insecure mind, he didn't call back soon enough, didn't show up fast enough, so I got heated.
When he arrived, we were outside, my girl was smoking. He grabbed me, enveloped me in his hug, and held me like he was never going to let me go.
What did I do?
Pulled away.
*Shaking my head*
I gave him attitude for taking so long, blahblahblah.
Once inside, he sat on a bar stool, and I across from him. He kept asking me to come sit on his chair with him. He repeated he hasnt seen me in so long, come over here...grabbing for my hand, trying to pull me to him.
What did I do?
Played cool, told him to come sit with ME on my seat, and almost ignored him.
Once he finished his beer I thanked him for coming out, and said see you whenever. Jokingly. And I turned and went to say bye to my girl. He saw me walk away and he left.
I lost my damn mind. We had talked bout him coming home with me later...where did he think he was going????
So I got on my phone, and asked him what the eff happened???
He said he saw me walk away and thought I left him. I was pissed because he left. He offered to come back. I told him I was leaving anyway. He said allright, and hung up.
Fuck, I can be such an asshole when I want to be.
He called back after a bit and offered to come apologize in person.
He did. And stayed over. Breaking my #1 rule. No sleepovers when my kids are home. I promised painful death if he even coughed LOL...
No sex. We just cuddled. wow. nothing says lovin like a kiss on the forehead.

Fast forward a day later.
I realise I was a total asshole. I should have enjoyed that hug, I should have sat with him. I should have.....appreciated that he came out to see me and been so happy to see me...

*Heavy Sigh*
My spiritual advisor, Xavier, (XO babe) showed me that I was the reason things weren't happening how I wanted them to be. I was making mountains out of nothing. I was assuming everything without knowing anything. I was reacting, and overreacting constantly.
I was letting my fears eat away at all my good feelings, and it was clouding my judgement like black fog. Toxic, thick, black fog.

I know this man is busy. He is very close to graduation. Killing himself trying to make good grades. Busting his ass in clinical. He is at his children's house daily, taking them to games, school, etc. Not sleeping, not eating, desperately trying to find time to have his Sundays free to watch his favorite NFL team ... and I trip the fuck out ...and overdose him with bitchy attitude.

All right.
So I apologize. Via Msn. LOL... he accepts and says again that he's sorry too.
My best guy friend tells me how I need to really really show him I am sorry. Take him out to eat or something. Make it all about him. Well, he has been asking me to cook for him forever..
So I made a killer dinner for him, tupperwared it up, and bought a big lunchkit added cookies, various snacks, treats, and our favorite gum (yes, we have a gum LOL)

Told him I needed to meet him as I had a present for him.

MIDNIGHT he finally came through. Tired, coughing, and exhausted. He fell into my arms.
We talked for a while, then sat on the couch. He put his head on my lap and melted into me. Talking bout he needed to go home and sleep, rest, didn't want me to see him like that all sick.
I told him about his surprise. He hugged me like no other. THANK YOU. He was so touched that I actually cooked FOR HIM.
I took him to bed, set up a mist machine, rubbed vicks all over his body and climbed in next to him. I wrapped myself around him and we slept.
I never sleep well when he is over. I am giddy that he is actually there, and also afraid of my kids waking up.
He slept so peacefully, and thanked me for taking care of him in the morning. Taking his picnic home, as he left to go get his daughter for her soccer game early. What a man....
I got it bad.
Really bad.
I Almost said the 'L' word....

Time Is Money...

2007-10-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Time is money. And I got no budget for b*Shyt. Color me “not convinced”, just a shade shy of “not impressed”…I think I figured it out Bloop…the thrill of the conquering…once the chase has been done, the taming has been perfected, then and only then does it get mundane and not fun. That’s why a relationship sucks, because it enables a rut, a predictable rhythm, whereas the chase has no predictability other than that it will ensue. The challenge lies in being challenged. If the west is won, then what need is there for a subsequent battle? None, since one side has surrendered. *sigh*….

At least that is what I have learned as of late. I have purchased a book called "catch him and keep him"....some isshhh y'all... teaching women how to think like a man, and how to out think the man.

Is it worth it? The whole psychology of it all...I dunno..

Tonight...I could care less. Games take so much effort. You must first learn the rules...NO, first you need to know the game you are playing in order to figure out the next step.

Usually I can do things, and learn as I go, and pick up a game, or whatever as it happens just by getting into it, like jump rope you learn the rhythm and jump in.

I am fucking tired. Tired of games. Tired of rules. Tired of twisting my mind to work in unfamiliar ways.

Why a female gotta speak through her pussy in order to keep a man's interest in a conversation. You know the tone of voice I mean. The purrrrrrring slurpy syrupy sweet honey drip off the phone that makes a dick hard and a pussy wet just by the sound...It twists and winds around your body like a cat weaving around your legs, brushing against you in a figure eight pattern...and the giggle, eyelash batting and hair tossing.. ugh. Yeah I confess...guilty as charged ..occassionally.... But now it seems like a medication I can't choke down. Ugh. The fakeness oozes from that ishhh...
Granted, the right dude can bring it out ..the whole cat-in-heat attitude- ...but as I said earlier, the lack of chase after a while has become *yawn* so disinteresting...on both parts.
Choco and I are both half assing it at this point. He because he knows I caught feelings....Me, Im half assing because I see him half assing, and I refuse to make more work for myself. In onf of Royce's posts, a quote caught my eye, " I refuse to make a man a priority when he only sees me as an option" Or something along those lines.... and at this point, I know Choco sees me as an option.
No, we havent ever had a talk about relationship statuses, two fold; I dont want him to freak the hell out and think Im putting speed and boundaries, and also because I dont want to restrict my own options. I know that sounds heartless, causal and shallow, cuz I really am wide open for choco...really...but, I feel I need him all in or all out at this point. Half assing aint fun, nor is it sexy. It is exhausting. I worry if he is double dipping. I even know he is up on BlackPlanet, and has been Im'ing other chicks....to what extent that goes, I dont know. We spend a lot of time on the phone together, and we both have the same schedule so I know he has extremely limited free time. He rarely clubs it, and spends a lot of time with his kids too...so he really has a small margin of fucking around time, and most of that is usually spent with me ...so.
But.
He has yet to take me to his house. I dont even have his address y'all... His reason is that he moved into mom's house when he left his babymomma, and him and his brother are there while they get their degrees. It is a arrangement that they take care of mom's house cuz she is in out of the country, spends half her time in Fla.
His excuse is his brother will tell his momma he had a girl in the house, and his momma will KILL him dead. She is Jamaiacan and dont play when it comes to that isshh. Also, she apparently hates white people, but Choco said Im safe cuz Im Latin...whatever..
So. This bothers me to no end. My girls are waiting for the thumbs up to follow his ass home and see what the damn deal really is, but I dont like that lowdown type of ishh, thats too much work to verify if dude is giving me the real deal, I think I should be able to trust or cut loose.

So, back to my point. Time is money, and my bullshit budget was blown by BD. I got no time for it, and I think its starting to creep through in my dealings with Choco. He been getting too much of my attitude for both of us, but he does act shady which puts my guard up. Once my gurad is up my mouth opens and then the shit starts to fly out...I can cut a muthahuffa with my tongue...not exactly a talent, but...I am who I am. I still need refinement. Ima put that into the budget LOL.

Fuk' N Studyin

2007-10-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

Ok Y'all...Im taking this to the next level....
I am going hard..or going home. Literally.
I am in a hotel room.
So I can study. With Choco.
STOP laughing....*smirk* yeah...hence the title..
I am up in here fresh of a Vicky's hush-hush shopping trip...new draws always help to keep my mind on studying...NOT. Lmao.
So yeah, make it or break it today...
Im here under the excuse of getting some uninterrupted studying done. You see, I have a 10 pg scholary community development paper due Tuesday 8am. No big right? Well...y'all know my distractability ( aka lack of ability to focus)
So, since Choco also has pressing items due in his classes...I decided 'we' needed proper solitde to study in...
BWAHAHAHAAAA....u KNOW I'm just trying facilitate gettin some..right??
We will see...Ima play professional and studious. Hopefully he will find the massage oil I brought and put it to good uses...and talk some sense to me, like *girl, put that computer down, come play with my laptop* Oh I will fight it...but yes, he will wear me down...*sigh* what ever shall I do...smirk.
Wait till he he gets here....

On a real note *cue the emotional drama music* .. We have never spent a night together. This will be really nice. Usually we have seen the sun come up, but due to our situations (BD still in residence, and he lives with his mom and brother until he finishes school) we have never had a 'sleepover' and woken up together....*getting nervous* But SO excited.

You know I'll let you know....

No End in Sight...

2007-10-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

Im sitting here...in the library, with Choco...staring him directly in the face as he studies, while I'm studying..Him. Why should the fates be so mean as to bring us together when I am in my most vulnerable female state? I am officially off *happy time*, still studying my ass off, which ALWAYS means I get really, really horny knowing I could be getting some instead of doing this paper...and..AND, Im here with Choco!! This is soooo wrong on so many levels...I have fantasized for years about this opportunity, to be her upstairs in the library, WITH him...*sigh*, here we are, sitting at the same table, in a study room, yes A fucking ROOM, not just those little cubby holes, but an actual room...gawd, I must have been really, really bad in my past life. True, he called me and said come up and study with me, as I was somewhere else in the school tryna get ishh done, he called and offered to molest me in the dark corners of the library....and we both knew that was not gonna happen, and so I made him promise to behave. He has an exam, and I have to do this paper and we are both-er, well, he is on task. I ...am wondering why I turned up in comfy ass boring clothes ( cute swweat pants, runners, long-sleeve t, no makeup) and he...well he is fuckalicious. Wearing his favorite team jersey, reppin his cowboys, with a matching hat...not what I expected from someone who was up studying late last night, and up early today. Double damn. My goodies aren't even relatively suggested in this outfit. My daycare told me I look tired...

And so.

Is it wrong that I am sitting here blogging, daydreaming about the very thing/person that I have always wanted, in the situation I have fantasized about...and yet, I am unable to move past a professional, studious position...and take advantage of this fine, chocolate....lemme stop.

Why he keep glancing up at me?

Is he having the same kind of thoughts????

Should I move closer and go in for a piece...or stand my ground and let him work...

Lemme get just a taste...but you know from my last post, he is my drug, just one hit, and I want MORE...I can never really stop with him...I ..must...study....

Le sigh.

Who Says Sex Doesnt Solve Everything???

2007-10-08T17:16:00.001-07:00

J/K... No really...

My world is ALL RIGHT after I get some..how 'bout you?

I know that I'm usually that much happier with said partner after the fact as well...

So, really, while sex may not solve exactly everything, it damn sure puts a nice big band-aid on stuff... and I really don't mind the temporary reprieve.

So, can I get some dammit?

Why do women have to endure what Choco calls *happy time* yes, he is being sarcastic..LoL.

Yeah it sucks ...that one week a month, where I ALWAYS seem to be insatiable... and totally sexually starved..lol

Through a discussion with a friend *you know who you are*, I have come to realize that to me, sex is a drug.

At least sex with Choco *Smirk*...

Can I get FIX???

*sidenote: Choco is code for chocolate cake...as in... I been havin my cake and eating it too!.. and yes he is as yummy as he sounds*

So, while gettin' some, may not write this paper I need to hand in tomorrow, it damn sure will cross off one distraction from my list. I always, ALWAYS want to get busy whenever I'm supposed to be working/doing homework.

Howboutchu?

Looking Back...

2007-09-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Why is looking back more helpful after the fact??? What is the sense in learning the lesson, when you may not be able to use it ever again? If someone fucked up..and u didnt see the signs until after the fact...and upon looking back you were able to see those signs...really, what good is it?

Are we as people designed to forgive, forget and move on? Nah...we overanalyze, reflect, re-hash, and hold grudges over shit...and make the next person pay for it.

What's the sense in that?
That's neither fair to the next Joe, Jack, or Jill, or to me, myself, and I.

So, yeah, reflection is a good tool to use when seeing where you DONT want to go, when compared to where you have been, and what didnt work.... but in a relationship sense...reflection only serves to prolong the bullshit, increase the anger, and make one's self feel REAAAALLY stupid for not seeing the signs....

If signs along the way were as evident as the ones you see on a highway that warn your ass that boulders and shit will likely be falling on your roadway, you will be extra cautious driving along that shit..no? But if a smooth ass playa throws a lil game down, and seems sincere, gets the boooty and gets ghost ....and ends up in ya best friends bed...you WISH dude woulda come with "asshole" tattooed on his forehead...
Totally relevant right here... Remember my post a while back where I mentioned my sister just had baby # 2 with her punkass boyfriend? Get this.
She met him, and
Sign #1, his MOMMA had to pick her up cuz his licence was suspended.
Sign #2, he went to jail about a month after they got together for shady ass shyt. And she waited for him.
Sign #3, Some girl named him daddy of her yet-to-be-born baby..
Sign #4, (shall I continue?) She was convinced by him that he had CHRONIC chlamydia, and would never be rid of it. Uh EW..and NOT true.
Sign #5, She found out about the pregnancy, and made sure she was pregnant no less than a month later.
Sign #6, He Beat her PREGNANT ass, with nunchuks, because he was high on crack
Sign #7, He called her crying 20X a day because she left him and he was 'so sorry'...
Sign #8, He went apeshit while she was in labor, and security had to be called.
I seriously have a hundred of these...
Anyway. He succeeded in knocking her up again. She gave him a son. Lucky bastard.
Anyhow. My point is. I was looking at photos the other day when I went to their house to meet my new nephew. One jumped out at me. It was her babydaddy holding the baby. Dude had his shirt off, and on his chest, tattooed in script handwriting was the word, "Asshole"...
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Signs are a mutha....but hey....watch out for them boulders on the road...the signs are there for a reason.

Question for the masses...

2007-08-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

My newly divorced friend and I were having a discussion the other day. She has a dilemma. She recently hooked up with a guy she had a crush on at work, and gave up the booty waaaayy to quick. Like second day/meeting quick. Granted that she has been without for a while....but dude has been casual about the phone calls since. She really has only gotten texts..he is away visiting family for the past week. I know that book "he's just not that into you" outlined this behaviour as just that, but I hope for her sake there is some way to regain the 'pussy power' so to speak. So I ask for advice for her, as I have no idea. What can she do to put the ball in her court again so to speak? All y'all with the game on lock got some smarts about this..so lemme know...

Today

2007-08-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today is a gift...that's why it's called the 'present'...yeah.
My gift to life was working my ass off at work, taking care of the sick, and helping the other nurses when I was free to ease their load. That was what I GAVE to my day.
The day gave me a new nephew. My sister had a son today. A son. For her no-good drug-dealing, pregnant girlfriend beating, manipulating, controlling son-of a.. babydaddy. The second child she gave birth to for him...and it was the son he was hoping for. Hoo fucking ray for him.

When I came home, I checked my mail and in it was an eviction notice. Wow. Thanks for putting in your money on time there BD...no problem. Ima just pack up me and my kids, and PRAY I find a clean box to live in, because the housing is taken everydamnwheres around here...

Then I talk to my mom, my Gram's in the hospital and has had more internal bleeding today. Great. As a result of the tests... Niiiice.

My daughter had to have emergency dental surgery the other day, she got her tooth knocked right off at the gumline. No big, we saved the tooth. Actually, who knew you couldnt put it back...so a new crown and parts and labor...comes to a cool thou. A fucking grand for a tooth. If that shit wasnt in the front of her mouth best believe that gap woulda stayed vacant until I get me a job in a year...lol

Here's hoping tomorrow is a new fucking day, with better presents. Cuz some of these mofo's are going back to da store....

Water For My Mind

2007-07-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to find people who can hold a decent conversation?

Not that I can after a while or a few anyway, but really, some folks just can't get there....
Interestingly, this one guy brought up a concept about how cool life would be if it were in reverse....you get the hangover, suffer, and get progressively more sober LOL ...hmmm

I went to the doctor yesterday. I have another kidney infection. Must check dates of last post where I had just had one. Seriously, this is getting retarded.
Tell me how the doctor told me it was my fault I was getting these infections. *Blank stare*
Ohreally?
Why is that doctor...? Hmmm?
"It's simple", he says with a smirk, "It's from ...(wait for it)....ENTHUSIASTIC SEX"
and looks me dead in the eyes with a twinkle.
Dirty MOFO.

So what if Im enthusiastic LOL...how am I sposed to be? Disinterested? Will that lessen my chance of an infection? LMAO Yeahright.

Even MORE about ME!

2007-07-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks Tenacious my hot lil GC.... she tagged me and here are the rules:

Rules: 1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. 5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok FINE...here ya go.. ENJOY! 8 Totally random facts....

1. I am of French descent and can/will/do use that for a reason to drink wine EVERY damn day if you please..cuz wine drinking daily is french and shit.

2. You can set your clock for the afternoon by my sexual drive. I am totally a mid afternoon type of freak. 3pm and it's ON. (or I'm prone to be bitchy as hell)

3. I was madly in love with Michael Jackson when he was black-er. LOL I will take P.Diddy instead though. He CAN get it.

4. I have been going to Post-Secondary for 9 years now. I have one diploma in General Studies. Workin on that second one...one year left.

5. I get bored VERY easy. Take that how you will, it applies to everything.

6. I eat sushi. Often. Sometimes for breakfast. Yeah it's like that.

7. I have 5 birthmarks on my body, various places and sizes.

8. I have been cleaning up cat shit for the past 2 weeks. Daily. 'Nuff said. Pass de wine..

Oh and Ima tag..hmmm:

JD
Xavier
Bloopty
Zed
Telly
Nikki
BZ
Ima have to work on the last one....

PEACE~

RAW

2007-07-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

emotions
feelings
ripped out
my chest
torn
heart pulled out
still beating
chanting
repeating
your name
calling you back
to me
keening
feening
crying out for you
the pain
unbearable
one soul
torn in two
joined forever
divided though together
through the distance
only miles
not breakup
just apart
in body
not spirit
but separation is
what it is
for now
i could not leave
frozen in place
tears falling
watching the departure
of the ferry
carrying my heart
away
still beating
until we reunite
i feel
broken
incomplete
RAW

Mental Stimulation

2007-06-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

Im talking bout mind sex...

my body is jealous of my mind

You been giving me highs

from talking to my soul

hitting my climax

from a love that's only vocal

spoken

heart-to-heart

mind, and soul, but felt in my body

I gave up my coffee

i left behind my wine

I need no other drug

than the love that's yours

and mine

Im high

off of love

floating on clouds

my head

far, far above

reality...sanity

rational.ity

mind blowing conversations

flowing for hours

silken rhythm

give and take

you speak

I share

my innermost

desires, thoughts

uniting as one

mind, soul

and body..from far

touching me

with your words

making me smile

as i realize you have

made love to me

already

without trying

mind, soul over the phone

a million miles away

maybe only two thousand

you're next to me

right here by my side

making love to me

but only to my mind

Breathless..

2007-06-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Hesi.tation

Pal.pi.tation. of. my. heart.

I.m turning

body yearn.ing

to calm the beating of my heart

Trepid.ation

Antici.pation

thoughts going thru my mind

questions. burning

thoughts are racing

running .out. of. time.

Hallucin.ations..

Fabric.ations...

Could it. all be. just. lies?

Clever playing

words your saying

'through my trusting eyes'

Scintill.ation

Exha.lation

re.member.ing to 'breathe'

scorching. kisses.

hush.ed whisp.ers

moments locked in time.

Accli.mation

Proc.la.mation. of the love

yours. and. mine

words. are spoken.

taken. to. heart. and mind.

Hesi.tation

Destin.ation.

Journey. to. the. end of time.

*Drops Mic*

TGIW~Thank God It's Weds

2007-06-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

-I am sick..today I have strep throat, but I am grateful that it is only that, and that I was able to recognize it and go get the necessary medication before it got ugly.
-I am happy my children are feeling better, my oldest was up all night throwing up.
-I am happy with my final grades, and MOS DEF grateful that I am passing ;-)
-I was blessed to pass through the job interview and will be making good money while gaining experience as a student nurse.
-My man....oh my man. I am so grateful that he is present in my life, and he motivates me to be the person I see myself as...
-My dear friend who is always there for me at a seconds notice...and I to you..there are no oceans between us I been thinking bout that Hefner thing LOL...

WOW...just ...wow...

2007-06-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

I have to first and foremost give out some LUVE to Xavier. You are a huge part of me feeling the way I do. I was cynical towards love, and in an unhappy place for a long time. Thank you for allowing me to do things on my own and never passing judgement..only being the most amazing friend I have.
Everyone else probably is wondering what the hell is going on.
BD and I are done. I was given the last straw so to speak...and a series of events opened my eyes to what I was really entangled in.
Since then, I randomly met someone through a mutual acquaintance and we are pretty much made for each other.
So soon? Yeah I know it may seem crazy...but if you know me on a personal level, I have been without a real relationship for a long time. Co-habitation does not a relationship make.
He is incredible, he has been through some of the craziest hardships in a relationship. He and I are so much the same person, only not. We will call him JD.
We don't eat, we don't sleep, and all we do is talk on the phone, or IM while he's at work, and as soon as he's home we connect as soon as possible. I take him with me everywhere. He is in my heart, on my mind, and in my soul. I have tried to not feel for him how I do, but to deny it would be just silly.
We have been talking for 2 weeks. Today, being that 'two week anniversary', we met up in person.
This was one of the best days, and the most stressful.
I was so scared, to meet him, and be open. I never realized how much I was affected in my relationship with BD, until I was out of it.

Bienvenido! Welcome! Bienvenue!

2007-06-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

As the title says, it is all about me. This is my new leaf so to speak, and I believe I will leave the old stuff in the old place. Keep it simpler if you will.

Please bear with me while I get settled.

Thank you for coming and enjoy your stay.

(That sounded just like Russey's thankyouforcomingoutgodblessandgoodnight) LOL